I have been trying for a long time to sit down and write this. I don't know why it has been so hard. Finally I have just decided to sit down and write.
Baby, I won. There are so many things I wish I could tell you. There are so many things that I wish I could have shared with you. It’s surreal. Baby, God is calling me out of the holding pattern He has had me in for years. I repeatedly told God that I would trade it all in to have you healed and to have our marriage healed. Through the entire process I was thinking to myself, if I win this thing I will lay it down and go get her. That could be the whole reason behind me winning and I was more than ok with it. I was so prepared emotionally for this that the months leading up to it people would ask me if I was nervous or excited and I had to tell them no. I should have been, but I felt completely at peace. I truly didn’t know which direction God was going to take me and was, for the first time in my life, so comfortable in His hands that I did not care. I was ready to give it up after winning. I was ready to lose. I was ready to walk it out if need be.
I kept telling myself that giving up something this big would be the sacrificial action of love I had never given you before. I thought I would get on a plane, fly there and give you a call. I would say here I am to come rescue you. I would be your Mr. Darcy. Your knight in shining armor. The difficult lover that finally got it right, swooping in to sweep his beautiful and strong willed damsel off her feet into happily ever after. I was excited to have something that significant to sacrifice. There was a problem though. It was me that wanted it. It was the man in me wanting to sacrifice for his wife and heal their marriage. God spoke to me. He spoke to me not only through the Holy Spirit but also multiple witnesses. He explained that He was calling me up to lead. This was a calling for Him and His people. There are so many reasons in the natural that I should not have won. There could be no doubt He is the reason.
But God, I do not want this now. God I want my wife! .... Would I put Him first?
Baby, I give myself completely to our God, no matter what He requires of me. I trust Him with you. I trust Him with us. I will not be in fear. I will follow His voice. I do not believe it is God’s will for the death of our marriage!
I love you so much! I will not give up on you! I am with you. I will not give up on our marriage! I know that God is capable of healing and bringing life out of death. I will be strong and continue to fight with everything I have. I will continue to fight for our marriage, His way, no matter how hard it is or what it looks like. The best way for me to do this is to stay in His will.
This post didn’t turn out the way I wanted. I wanted to be sweet, loving, and emotional. I don't feel like I have accomplished much of that, or at least as much as I would like. There is so much pent up though and maybe this was just a first step in getting it out. I am thankful for that.
I LOVE YOU!
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