Wrestling With God

Hi Beloveds,

This past week I was asked to serve on the leadership council for a large men's Bible study I attend.  I've attended this Bible study for the past 4 1/2 years and love it.  The men have had an enormous impact on my life, and I was eager to serve them.

As part of this process, along with a retreat and some other things, I was asked to fill out a two page questionnaire.  One of its questions struck me...  "How would you describe your relationship with God?"

Simple, right?  It really got me thinking though.

Here's the best description I can come up with right now...

24 Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. 25 When he saw that he had not prevailed against him, he touched the socket of his thigh; so the socket of Jacob’s thigh was dislocated while he wrestled with him. 26 Then he said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking.” But he said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 So he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” 28 He said, “Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel; for you have striven with God and with men and have prevailed.” 29 Then Jacob asked him and said, “Please tell me your name.” But he said, “Why is it that you ask my name?” And he blessed him there. 30 So Jacob named the place Peniel, for he said, “I have seen God face to face, yet my life has been preserved.” 31 Now the sun rose upon him just as he crossed over Penuel, and he was limping on his thigh. 32 Therefore, to this day the sons of Israel do not eat the sinew of the hip which is on the socket of the thigh, because he touched the socket of Jacob’s thigh in the sinew of the hip. ~Genesis 32:24-32

You see, I've been in a season of growth and transition for quite some time now.  At times, the journey's been an extremely painful one.

It may shock you to hear this, but that's actually the answer to a prayer.

At the beginning of this season, I asked God to work in me... "No matter what you have to do to me...  No matter what you have to allow happen...  I don't care how hard it is or how long it takes, God.  I want this to be real!  I want to serve You.  I want to serve and love like You.  And the only way I can do that is by being as close to You as possible."  I mentioned once in "The Tale of Two Songs", I can remember listening to Matthew West's "The Motions" and just asking Him to break me.

I had no idea how painful Matthew 10:39, Matthew 16:25, Mark 8:35, Luke 9:24, Luke 17:33, and John 12:25 could be.  There's a reason it's in there so many times!  :)

And, therein lies how I can say my relationship with God is like that He shared with Jacob at Peniel.

I comprehend very little of why God has done things or allowed things to happen the way they have in my life.  I struggle with how much of it I could have truly impacted.  I question how my sins and the sins of others played into it and the level of their permanency.  But, I've made a decision to trust in Him and His word.  I know who He is.  I believe wholeheartedly in His promises.  Though I don't understand... Though I may stumble.. I'm not going to let go until I walk in Him and my intended blessing.  I don't care how much it hurts.  I'll walk with a limp the rest of my life if I have to, I'm not letting go.