I have two songs on my heart today and would like to share them with you. Before I do that I would just like to reiterate the intent of this blog is healing and to help others know they are not alone. I do not apologize for talking often about what I have gone through in my marriage and life. If any of this helps to save one person or marriage then it is worth it. Pain is real but there is healing and hope in God! This is the true battlefield and real life examples help.
The first song on my heart is The Motions by Matthew West...
This song has a special place in my heart. There was a time when my wife and I were seeing counselors at our church. Things had been getting much better but then we hit a rough spot again. In one of these sessions she came to the table with a heartfelt letter written to me. This letter was full of pain. I took it with the
utmost seriousness. One of the things I remember most about the letter was the feeling that she felt like the entire weight of our relationship was on her. I could tell she felt like she was holding the thing together by herself.
I HATED THIS. I was the man. I was responsible for leading us. To have her feeling this way made me feel sick to my stomach. I wanted her to feel protected and safe. These were my responsibilities, with the help of God of course. I felt like I was beating my head against a wall and wanted to SCREAM. The more I tried the worse it got. I really just wanted to sweep her up in my arms and say "everything is going to be ok" and tell her how much I loved her.
Then came a question in the letter. "Are you willing to do whatever it takes to save our marriage"? She told me she wanted to take it seriously. She told me she did not want an answer right away because she wanted me to take time and truly think about it.
I went through a wide range of emotions. I was mad. I was hurt. I was frustrated. I was in pain. I loved her so much. There was nothing I took more seriously. Of course the answer was YES! I had been trying with everything I had. I had been praying incessantly asking God for wisdom and direction! I could not break through!
...Pause....
Did you hear what I was saying? Look closely at my words. They are filled with "I"s. It was all about what I could do. It was about me trying to grunt it out. I was going to make it happen. I was going to fight and overcome. I was going to protect her and care for her. I was going to lead us and save the marriage. I was so cough up in what "I" could do and fighting for the marriage I couldn't hear God's voice, even as I was asking Him to speak to me. Yes that is possible.
I came to a breaking point.
God I can't do this anymore. I am so tired. I want healing so badly but we can't get deep enough to make it happen. BREAK ME! I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU! I GIVE IT ALL TO YOU. I WANT REAL! REAL LIFE! REAL HEALING! I surrender myself to you. You have all of me. Please God help.
Matthew West's "The Motions" was on the radio...
I feel like He has this song on my heart because he wants me to move and take action in some way. I trust Him now more than I did back then. I have been through the "fiery furnace" (Daniel 3:14-29) and with Him by my side survived. I know He will show up. I know, even if it hurts, there is a greater cause and plan. Be real with Him. Give Him everything. You may not understand but He knows you better than you know yourself. Let Him love you and lead you. It's an adventure!
The second song I have on my heart today in "Breathe You In" by Thousand Foot Krutch. I think for many of the same reasons.
I have been created to be a fighter, but not without Him. Without Him the gifts I have been given will be ineffective. They will at best be frustrated and at worst be corrupted and used by the enemy.
I encourage you to get past that place of trying to do it yourself. He knows how hard you are trying. His heart breaks to see you working so hard and exhausted. He has not created you to do it without Him, so you never will. He will never preempt you free will and just do it for you though. He loves you too much! You have to choose Him. You have to give it over to Him. He is always right by our side, I envision in tears, waiting for us. The loving Father and Husband.
Father God I am so madly in love with You! Thank You for loving me first. Thank You for loving me so much. Please let this bless someone.
No comments:
Post a Comment